Getting Used to "Different"

"They" say that my grief will be better over time. But it's really more like getting used to things being different. Right now, it feels like a rollercoaster. Somedays or even some moments are uphill and just so hard to get then there's that momentary peak when I can breathe or sleep followed by a day that seems to fly by.  Usually those days end with me lying in the dark, thinking of my daughter, wishing to hear her voice or see her smile and wondering why my beautiful, intelligent, happy, fun-loving, intensely loyal and loving daughter was taken so young, so soon.

I think of my Angel constantly. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to dream of her. It's usually ordinary things like talking to her on the phone or hanging out. I've even dreamt of her hugging me and I physically felt it. It was glorious! I could feel her arms hugging me tight. I could feel her hair on my face. I heard her voice.... "I love you madly, Mommy."

As a child, my Angel was clingy. She had a cry that would scramble your brain cells and as an infant, she cried alot.  It would usually start just when I'd go to bed and fall asleep. I'd have to walk her or rock her for a couple of hours before she'd calm down. Sometimes a bottle would help, sometimes not. As tired as I was, as aggravating as it could be, those nights I had her all to myself. I didn't have to share her. And, she wanted no one but me.

She was such a cute, funny and huggy child. She had imaginary friends - Johnny, Lucy and the monkeys in the monkey hole. She had great stories about their adventures.  For a little while, she would say she was a cat and she'd even meow like one.  There are so many stories - so many memories - 44 years of memories.

There was a time when Angel would tell me that she was never going to get married; that she'd live with me always.  Of course, like any good parent would do, I tried to make sure she had all the skills she needed to be a successful, independent adult and encouraged her to strike out on her own. I'd always be there to catch her if she fell, to listen to her fears, to celebrate her successes.  Angel did have children, did marry, did go out on her own. She did attain a degree and have wonderful career opportunities.

She was an amazing mom and incredibly attentive to the needs of her kids. And, in fact, she was pretty wonderful with all children. She loved to volunteer in her kids extracurricular activities because being involved with her children meant everything to her. Because of her, she has happy, well-adjusted children; children who are strong, independent and vocal.

Over the years, our relationship wasn't just mother-daughter.  We loved to hang out - usually me, Angel and her sister.  We spent alot of time laughing - laughing until tears would stream down our faces.  We shared gossip - we vented - we helped each other with parties and party planning. The 3 of us have always been exceptionally close - we could practically read each others' minds. We had daily contact and usually multiple times per day.

So how do I/we move forward? Her passing has left a gaping hole in our lives. There are days that I'm okay - there are days it takes all my strength to not cry - but there hasn't been a single day since she was born that she and her sister haven't been on my mind and a part of my life.  I feel like I just don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.....

Angel...

I am consumed with grief. My heart hurts so much. I miss my daughter.  The sun doesn't shine as bright, the cold doesn't sting my face, candy's not as sweet and food has no taste. I can't stop thinking about her. Something happens or I read something and think, "oh, gotta call Angel.  She'll find this funny/interesting/sad/stupid." But I can't and I can't take her number out of my phone.  I can't remove her number from my favorites.

Angel was my 2nd child.  She was so tiny at birth.  She wasn't early or late nor was she exactly on time.  There was no fuss or hours of labor or intense pain. Felt some pressure, had a showing and 90 minutes later she was born. So tiny, so helpless and I felt overwhelmingly instantly protective.

Her father, in all honesty, was no good. Evil, really.  The only good in him was Angel.  And of course, rather than realize that the best part of him was her and do everything he could to care for her, protect her, make her life as good as possible, he chose to do the opposite.  In fact, he tried to use her.  Through Angel, he tried to get money from his mother, money from welfare, money from my family, etc.  He saw her as a way to get what he wanted. He tried to manipulate others - including me - using his relationship to my tiny, helpless little child.  The ending to this chapter of her story ended in 1979, thankfully.

He spent alot of time in and out of prison.... mostly small crimes, but crimes nonetheless.  During his time in prison, I visited him only a handful of times before I decided the relationship was over. Although I had an attorney, I was ordered by the court to bring her to the prison to visit him and that his brother had agreed to take us to and from the prison to make it easy for his brother to see him.  A few days prior to the first court ordered visit, his brother contacted me to tell me that he would be over early because drugs needed to be smuggled in and hiding them on the baby was the easiest way to get it in without being discovered. I told him that there was no way I was going to allow my child to be used for smuggling in drugs and I would not go with someone carrying drugs.  I called my lawyer who I assume did whatever he needed to do on his end.  I received a call from my attorney the day before visiting and was told I still had to go and I told him that it was out of the question and told him that, if necessary, I would risk being in contempt.  Next thing I know, I was told I wouldn't have to bring her after all.

But his evilness didn't end there.  He sent criminals to my apartment in the middle of the night banging on my doors and windows until I'd call the police.  He had dangerous mob associated prisoners sending me threatening letters from prison.  So I turned over copies of all the letters to the prison chaplain asking him to intervene on my behalf.  Then I found a new apartment and moved.  It took him years to find me and that was only because my new attorney who later became the State's Attorney General then Governor was taking him to court to force him to relinquish paternity rights. And it worked! It was the best thing that could have ever happened!

It was like the evil that surrounded our lives had gone back to hell (or prison or wherever) for good....

That one thing changed everything.  My Angel had a beautiful life with little to no worry about that evil man returning.  She was surrounded by love. She had opportunities she'd have never had if that p.o.s. had remained a part of her life.

I miss her.  I love her.  She's always in my heart and a part of my everyday.  I got to be her mommy, her first and best cheerleader and I got to share all her life.

Goodbye 2017....

I haven't been here in a long time - months - maybe a year.  I really need to be back now, to express my grief.  The great loss of my child, my baby. And while 44 is not a child or a baby, she was my youngest - my most precious Angel.

It started in March.  Angel got sick.  Sick in a way to appear to be flu-like.  But it wasnt....Cancer, they said.  Melanoma - Metastasized Melanoma - Stage 4.  I heard them say it but I just couldn't accept what I heard. I remember thinking that they had to be wrong.  She had no moles or skin discolorations that changed. It just seemed impossible!

My daughter went through 8 months of surgery, therapies, infusions, intravenous fluids, radiation, transfusions, etc. She kept wondering why..... why was this happening to her..... what had she done to cause this on herself and family.  Then family members actually said that it was because she was out in the sun without sunscreen or got sunburned, etc. In truth, it's no one's fault. It's not some sort of punishment. It's not karma.  It's as my mom said, "sometimes things just happen." And she's right.

So on this New Year's Eve, I say "goodbye 2017" with some reservation.  For the most part, it was an awful year.  There were a couple of bright spots - my granddaughter's baby shower in February which was the last happy party where Angel was happy and healthy (as far as we all knew) - the birth of my first great granddaughter, Angel's great niece, and for whom Angel wanted to make a mermaid crib set and babysit for on a regular basis.  See, literally only a couple of bright spots.

For the past 46 years, every New Year's Eve was connected to my children in some way.  If I wasn't with them, I spoke to them at midnight.  As they got older with families of their own, they'd be doing their own family things, but I'd hear from them at midnight.  They didn't always call me - sometimes it wasn't until the next day.  But Angel never forgot. And while I'd like to be relieved that this year is over, I feel like as I move on to 2018, I'm leaving my Angel behind.  I know, I know.  I carry her in my heart but it feels like I'm leaving her behind.  This year they'll be no call from her.  And never again will I hear, "Happy New Year, Mommy!  I love you madly!"

It wasn't until after my niece took a picture of me and posted it on social media last night that I realized just how the past 6 months have affected me..... I look awful!  Truthfully, I feel awful!  I feel depressed and stressed out.  I keep trying to put on the traditional "I'm OK" face but I'm not and that picture proved it. I've gained weight, my face is puffy, my hair is a mess, my skin is uneven.  I haven't faithfully worked out since my daughter's cancer diagnosis.  I worry. I cry.  I try to continue normal everyday things - I try to be interested in what's going on around me.  It's just not the same.  I don't feel good. I don't feel like me. And, no, I am not taking care of myself.  Even the clothes I have on in that picture are a mess!

So beginning today - not the first of the month - not the first of the week - just this day in the early morning hours, I am recommiting to taking time for me - 30-60 mins of exercise 4-5 days per week and keeping a daily food and exercise journal (myfitnesspal).  I'm going to get my hair styled and I'm throwing out all my clothes that don't fit - a total mess - just aren't "me".

I need to turn this around.  If I'm not at my best, I can't help my daughter. 

When Illness Strikes...

I'm having trouble absorbing it. It seems unreal. My daughter - my child - my baby has metastasized melanoma.  While 44 may not be a young child, she's still my child, my baby.  My daughter, her family, in fact, our entire family has been blind-sided.

In late February, my daughter was brought to the hospital thinking she had the flu or stomach virus and was dehydrated from her illness. Within 2 weeks, she was found to have an aggressive form of metastasized melanoma of which the source has not been found.  At the end of that 2 weeks, she had 2 major surgeries to remove a cancerous tumor on her spine that fractured some discs and repair her spine.  She's had radiation on the area and begun chemo treatments.  After 10 +/- weeks of hospitalization and rehab, she was finally able to go home to continue rehabilitation and chemo. Long weeks away from home.  Long weeks away from family.  Long weeks of pain, disbelief, heartache.  But she's home and that's the most important thing.

Since my Mom died 6 years ago, our family has been rocked by something major almost every year.  I just wish to go back to the time when things stayed the same.  Sounds ridiculous, I know, but there was a time when things stayed pretty constant.  Sure there were some losses..... moving away, divorces, deaths.  There were also additions.... marriages, new babies.  But the last 6 years have been different. We've lost many close friends and relatives, many fighting serious illness, many surviving those illnesses and many not. But it just seems that recently major change is the norm.  It's hard to deal with all the time and now this!

 My daughter has quite a fight ahead of her and I'm hoping - no praying! - that she's got the will and the stamina to get through it.  She's had a really tough time so far. She's having a difficult time going from being just her to now being sick all the time.  Having to deal with the fact that the illness now has taken over - is dictating her every move - has taken center stage in her thoughts, dreams, actions.  I'm heartbroken.  We're heartbroken.  But trying to stay positive. Trying to project a positive, stable front.  Trying to not cry all the time.  Trying to accept this new norm.

Early Morning Rise

It's easily a month since I got up early!  Since the weather change, I've not been waking up until 8am and truthfully, I hate that.  I've never been a late sleeper and yes, 8 a.n. is late to me.  I've been like this always.  I feel like I'm missing something if I'm not up just when the sun comes up.  It also makes me feel like the day goes by too quickly.  Getting up early was never a big deal when I was working but now that I'm "retired" it's so much more difficult.  I've got things on my mind today.  My baby (hardly a baby since she's in her 40s) is having some medical testing today and, I'm worried.  More scared than worried and I'm praying hard for the best possible outcome because I know there's a problem and I don't like the direction my mind is taking.  Anyway.....

Speaking of retiring.  Do you know it has taken me 3-4 years to finally sleep past 5 a.m.  I also am finally feeling less and less like I'm doing nothing.  You know, everyone told me I'd be bored.  I'm not.  In fact, I'm far from bored.  I've got so much to do it's not funny!  And yes, my house is clean - very very clean!  I'm not spending entire days cleaning either.  And with my husband also retired, I've got help inside cleaning and he's got help outside cleaning.  And I am working out on a regular basis so physically and mentally, I am feeling better than when I was working.  I'm also able to actually can and preserve the fruits and veggies we're getting from the garden and small orchard.  Mind you, I have been canning and preserving since June so I am pretty sick of it now :D

I've also got my small - very small - online doll clothes business which keeps me really busy.  I'm still learning the ropes - pricing, descriptions, posting, marketing, shipping, blogging, tweeting, Facebook!  On top of all that I'm trying to figure out what sells best and what will make me stand out from the crowd.  And I'm doing a craft show the Sunday after Thanksgiving and need to ramp up my inventory.  So I'm really busy.  It's been very slow and the competition is incredible.  It's never going to be something that makes me alot of money but it is fun and it is creative..... and it makes me feel useful.  Yes, I said useful.

Seems, recently, that I've felt or realized that I'm well pass middle age.  I don't think that we give much thought to those things when we're younger.  We're so busy with working and raising families.  We almost feel like life goes on forever.  When life slows down and we retire from the daily grind, we realize that it's not forever - that we're approaching the end.  When I retired I didn't expect to feel useless -like I have no purpose anymore.  But I did feel that way and is probably one of the reasons for starting my online business.  It's made me realize how other older people must feel.  I worry that I will someday be too old for doing the things I love to do and that I'll be like my grandmother was - sitting alone in her living room- watching television - counting the days to the end.  My grandmother is a story for another day.

I remember when and how it felt to feel like I had my whole life ahead of me and I remember wishing I was older so I could do this, that or the other.  I remember being in my 30s wishing I could retire to do all the things I really liked to do or wanted to do.  Now I wish I could go backwards.

Sorry for the negative turn but I never said this blog would be all happiness and joy.  'Til the next time...

Goodbye August! Hello September!

I wish this summer would end!  I am not a hot, hazy, humid kinda person and my hair!  My hair hates it even more.  I was trying to grow it out again but my patience in growing it out has grown thin.  Why? Because it is so thick! And so curly! And the worst thing possible for thick, curly hair?  H.U.M.I.D.I.T.Y! So, I believe I'll be cutting it real soon :D

The only way to deal with the triple H, is in the house with ice water and lemon sitting in front of a fan or 2.  Not one to be idle, I have to be doing something so I sew or knit or crochet.  While I'm sewing and knitting and crocheting, I tend to mull over things - the past, the present, the people in my life, the people I don't want in my life.

My latest mullings have been about someone from the past.  The one thing I wish I could change is marrying my first husband! I was so stupid at 17 and didn't realize I was marrying the devil incarnate. Although it took 5 years for the divorce to be final, we didn't spend more than a year actually together.

He was the epitome of evil. I have never met another human being that was even remotely like him. If you looked up narcissist in the dictionary, you'd probably find his picture.  Why? Let's see, without going into details, he only had feelings for himself - no others.  He saw others in terms of what they could do for him - what would he need to do or say to manipulate them into doing what would make him happy for the moment.  He had no qualms about professing undying love - including for or to his child - that he didn't feel. Looking back the 17 year old me and things that happened during the time I was with this person, I realize things that the naive 17 year old didn't realize was happening. There was only one good thing that came of our very short relationship - my daughter.  Thankfully, I was able to keep him completely and totally away from her. I won't go into detail but there were good reasons for my actions and she has thrived because of them.  She's never had any desire to be in contact with him.  She has had a close relationship with one of her cousins because they share the same extreme dislike of this horrible man. Why has his existence come to the forefront now?  Because of some things that he has done since his brother's death earlier this year. I'm sure memories of him will drop out of my mind and hopefully, this short spewing will accomplish that so I can forget about him again.

So while I've been hiding from the heat (which seriously feels like hell!), mulling over the past, I've been doing some crocheting.  Crocheting is not my favorite thing to do but my granddaughters saw a Brazillian Bikini top pattern that they liked. You can get the pattern here! Now mind you, I've never followed a crochet pattern.  I tend to think that there's very little I can't do so I bought the pattern on line.  Do you know that although I've been crocheting since I was 5 or 6, I didn't know until this pattern that I use UK stitches and of course, this pattern is in US stitches. Didn't even know there was a difference.  So after trial and error, I made 2 tops using Lydia's Fashion 3 yarn and a 2.5mm hook.  They came out awesome!  So, of course, they girls each want 2 more in other colors!  I've started one in black and will be doing 3 more in natural white, cocoa and rose.  Yup, Christmas presents started!  Woot for me!
Check it out

I'll post pix after they're all done.  For now.... stay cool :D

So far, 60 sucks!

I get up early stumbling to the bathroom and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I recognize the me behind the eyes but not the face that I see.  Where did the time go?  When did I get old?

Turning 60 has hit me hard!  I remember my 40th birthday bothered me a little; my 50th not so much.  But 60 has been brutal!  Maybe it's because of the hormonal changes that happen. Someone once said to me that menopause makes you old really quickly.  I didn't agree but what did I know at the time.

I suddenly feel completely and totally out of my element.  As a kid, I was unsure of how to dress, what to wear, what was fashionable, what looked good on me.  I had no idea what to do with my hair or how to apply make up.  But I eventually outgrew those things and became comfortable in my appearance, fashion choice, hairstyle.  My weight was pretty constant and I even spent time in my 30s in tights, leotards, leg warmers and sweatbands doing "dance aerobics", "sweating to the oldies", Gloria Stevens workout classes and Jane Fonda tapes.  I felt good, healthy and fit. In my 40s and early 50s, my workouts slid away to nothing.  My annual physicals were great.... well, until my late 50s when my annuals started showing how genetics was playing it's part in my overall health.  So I've gone back to working out with free workout programs from HASfit and Beauty&theFit..  I'm also back to being careful of what I eat and using portion control.  But....... I still feel completely and totally out of my element in this phase of my life.

I always thought I would grow old gracefully.  But I'm not.  I'm kicking and screaming and trying to turn the clock back and c'mon, let's face it, that's just impossible.  So what do I do?  Okay, I'll keep working out but I suddenly don't know how to dress!  I don't know what to do with my hair!  I don't know how to feel comfortable in my own skin.  And sex!  OMG!  Don't even get me started.  I feel like I did when I was 20.  So sexually, I'm 20 in my head and 60 in my body.  It ain't pretty.

So what do I do?  How do I get myself back to feel comfortable again?  Is this just a morning rant - NO, folks, it's not.  When I hit the "enter" key and publish this post, I'm going to wash my face, try to do something with my hair and try to find something to wear that won't make me look like I'm trying to be 20 years younger or not dowdy and old.

In conclusion, so far, 60 really does suck!

July's Theme: Iced Coffee

It's been hot! Not just hot - the dreaded HHH - Hot - Hazy - Humid.  While I love the fresh tomatoes, herbs, peppers, zucchini, squash flowers, etc and while I'm perfectly willing to cook and can in this freakin' heat, I still dislike the summer's heat and humidity.  No I don't own an air conditioner and quite frankly, I find that living and sleeping in air conditioned rooms makes dealing with heat and humidity so much harder.  It's exhausting to leave an air conditioned store and step into a wall of heat and soaking humidity.  My favorite way to cool down - iced coffee - store bought, homemade, whatever!  I love it!

So as I sit her sipping my iced coffee, I'm thinking of how I really need to focus more. My new online business venture is slow.  It's hard to take yourself from a crafty hobby to home-based online business and be successful.  I'm not trying to go big but I'm finding that sales are slow and I'm pretty sure I know the reason.  I lose focus.  And I lose focus because part of being a one person business is that you have to wear all the hats.  I love the creative hat and the production hat.  Not too crazy about the marketing and financial hats, though, and that's a really biggie.

For instance, I hate the photo shoots but I don't mind doing the listings on my eBay and Etsy shops.  The thing that I really find overwhelming and time consuming are updating Facebook... and Twitter (which I really totally suck at).... and blogging.... and keeping the website fresh.  In other words, I really need to either developing a love of marketing or get me a free marketing person.  I also need to develop better bookkeeping skills.  No!  I take that back.  What I need to do is take the time to organize my receipts, bring my programs up to date and keep it that way.

But it's summer! I feel like I need to be outside for awhile everyday.  Since I'm a huge morning person, I want to do everything in the morning.... everything that requires outside time while the day is cooler and I'm the most energetic.  By afternoon, I want to do nothing but read or knit or crossword puzzles maybe even veg out in front of the TV.  After dinner and dinner clean up, I have no ambition to work on business stuff.  It's crazy, huh.

My goal is develop some focus aka a business plan that I can work from including days and time frames.  Being a list person, you'd think this would be easy but it's not and the biggest reason for that is my husband is retired.  He's a huge distraction to me.  My hope is that I can get him to help me with some things.  Hey!  I wonder how he'd be doing photo shoots?!?  I know the creative, production, technical and financial side won't interest him.  But who knows, that might come with time :D

For starters, I'll be working on a Made Magical blog and I've got some posts in draft form.  I've got some draft posts I'm working on for this blog also.  Hoping to get those done soon also

:D

Cherry Peppers....ooh aah

What a great time of year!  Gardens are overflowing with beautiful, fresh veggies.  Right now, I've got the most beautiful hot cherry peppers. There's nothing like being outside on a warm summer night before an outdoor fire enjoying a nice glass of wine and antipasto (cured meats, olives, artichoke hearts, anchovies, i.e.) with my own stuffed hot cherry peppers.

You can make your own, too.  Here's the recipe.

STUFFED CHERRY PEPPERS

• Fresh cherry peppers with stems.  You will need enough peppers to fill the jar or jars you want to fill.  Use sweet or hot peppers.  Using both red and green makes the jars look colorful.
• White vinegar
• Canola oil
• Olive Oil (I use extra virgin)
• Extra sharp provolone cheese (block form not sliced)
• Prosciutto
• Fresh Basil
• Fresh Parsley
• Fresh Oregano

1. Wash the cherry peppers.  Leave the stems on the peppers.
2. Place all the peppers in a container.
3. Pour enough white vinegar over the peppers to cover them.  The peppers will float so you will need to place something on top of the peppers to keep them below the surface of the vinegar.
4. Let peppers soak for 4 - 7 days.  The longer the soak, the more vinegar you will taste. I put the container in the refrigerator because the vinegar will attract fruit fleas.

Peppers floating in vinegar

Peppers below the surface

 After soaking for the desired time,

Cored peppers, prosciutto & extra sharp provolone cheese

1. Remove the peppers from the vinegar.
2. Carefully remove the stem, seeds and core being careful to keep the pepper whole
3. Cut a square of provolone to a size to fit into the center of the cherry pepper.
4. Wrap the cheese with some provolone and place inside the cherry pepper.  Make sure it fits snugly so that it doesn't fall out of the pepper.
5. Place inside a clean ball jar.
6. Repeat 3-5 until the jar is full.
7. Sprinkle some basil, parsley and oregano over the peppers in the jar.
8. Fill the jar at least half way with Canola oil.
9. Fill the rest of the jar with olive oil.
10. Place a lid and band on the jar and store in the refrigerator.
11. Peppers should sit for at least 7 days before eating.  It's all right if the oil looks a bit cloudy and the olive oil may solidify a little.  Before serving, take the jar out of the refrigerator and allow it to sit at room temperature for about 10 minutes so that the olive oil liquifies.

Gustare con un bicchiere di vino rosso e pane croccante.
 (Enjoy with red wine and crusty Italian bread.)

Rollercoaster Ride

So far, 2015 has started off like a roller coaster ride or maybe more like a sled ride down a huge snow covered hill with major peaks and deep valleys  I'm making that analogy because of the vast amount of snow we've gotten over the past 4 weeks.  In my area, close to 70 inches.  It's amazing.  And while it is beautiful, it's a bear to move and there's nowhere to put it.

Then my husband's brother (my favorite in-law) passed away unexpectedly one week before Super Bowl.  My husband and he were close.  They would talk through every New England Patriots game..... sometimes yelling, sometimes agreeing... but always on the same side. They would talk regularly through the week, too, about anything and everything - the weather, landscape work, how to upload songs to the mp3 player, what's going in with the Celtics/Patriots/politics. My husband, though he doesn't say much, misses those conversation - misses the family connection - just misses his brother.  I miss him calling the house and joking around on the phone.  I miss spending a Sunday afternoon with my brother-in-law and his wife - going out to dinner or browsing through an antique shop.

And now my former brother-in-law is dying. I've been separated & divorced from his brother for 40 years but I still thought of my former brother-in-law as family. I loved him. My heart aches for his son, daughter and granddaughter.  I recently went to see him after he was admitted to the local hospice facility.  It was difficult to see him so thin - so frail - so quiet.  And yet, it was good to see him smile, to give him a hug, to talk to him a little.  It was good to let him know I love him.

I'm hoping that with the melting of the snow - then end of this winter - will bring some calm, some hope..... Spring.

Leaping into 2015

Since I ended the year by sorting through and dumping excess baggage, I thought I'd start the new year with some thoughts and plans for the new year.

NO  I am not making resolutions

YES I am making plans

I used to make resolutions but realized pretty quickly that resolutions rarely work.  Just like I believe that if you want to make a change, there's no point in waiting until Monday, waiting until the beginning of some arbitrary period or waiting until the new year.  The best time to start is now.

My biggest plan for 2015, is to take my doll clothes business from occasional sales up to steady sales. That requires certain steps including education.  Creatively, I'm good.  But Marketing, is where I struggle. But I'm learning.  I've joined an online group that's monitored by a marketing professional. I can't believe the awesome exchange of ideas with people. Everyone is so ready and willing to share tips and tricks.  I'm loving this group so far and have found a way to increase my productivity while exercising my creativity.  On the marketing side, I'll be getting some books and reading some suggested blogs for making myself more visible through social media.  It's all so exciting.

I am continuing with my workout plan but I've really got to get back on track with healthier food choices.  I've slacked off a bit through the holidays and I don't like the way I feel.  It surprises me how easy it is to cave to temptation. So I'll be back at smaller meals, more protein, more whole grains, more fruits and veggies and lemon water!  Lots and lots of lemon water.  I actually love it.

There's an awful lot of illness going around.  My daughters and grandkids have been hit with sinus infections, bronchitis, colds, stomach viruses, etc.  There are some things happening that I'm really concerned about.  I'm hoping and praying that we find out just what exactly the problem is and can move forward with appropriate treatment.

One wonderful thing to start off 2015........my daughter broke up with her loser boyfriend!  YAY!  We're all entitled to make mistakes but hers lasted way too long for my liking.  OMG!  This guy may not have been the bottom of the barrel but he was the kind who sinks to the bottom unless someone else grabs him and pulls him toward the top.  I guess he doesn't want to exert the effort to climb to the top on his own.  So glad he's gone! And, get this!  He tried to friend request me on Facebook.  LOL!

Speaking of FB - I'm really disappointed in some of my FB friends lately. I'm surprised at how intolerant people are of each other.  Who doesn't want to see this ones status or that ones status.  Then you get the ridiculous comments like, "This is MY facebook..."  "This is MY page..."  My opinion - it's supposed to be social media!  It's on the internet!  It's the world wide web! It isn't all about you!  It's very sad because I used to view FB as being able to stay in touch with friends and relatives both near and far.  I liked the sharing of pictures and thoughts and ideas.  Seems like the pictures of good times have all become selfies.  Seems like the sharing of thoughts and ideas resorts to intolerance of others, name calling and shaming.  It's very sad.  I'm not going to be a part of that stuff and will be focusing mostly on my business social media - Facebook & Twitter.  I will check my FB daily only because I'll be on my business site but I have no plans on getting involved in the bullshit.

So I'm off - quick workout then I'm making dinner:  Homemade Zuppa Toscana with salad and homemade Italian bread.  Ciao!

2014 Purge

Yup, I'm purging - letting go of things that I've been holding onto.  Mostly things that have kept me angry at or about someone or something.  Mind you, I won't forget.  Forgetting would be just stupid on my part. But I won't stew about it if I just let it all out.  Here goes:

• Unfriended/Blocked People - If I've unfriended or blocked you, it's because you either did something, said something or just plain lied to or about me or someone in my family or a close personal friend.  You can say it isn't so.  You can say I'm unkind.  But facts are facts.  I don't care what your reasons are.  I don't care how you feel.  Does that sound harsh?  Well you didn't care.  You thought no one would ever know.  You thought someone would keep things to themselves and/or that know one would ever know it was you.  Doesn't matter.
• CR - I cannot stand you. You don't know your place.  You are rude and ignorant.  You are a cheat, liar and sneak.  What surprises me is your accomplice. No matter what happens in the future, you do not exist for me.
• D - my heart aches. I thought you were someone else.  I never dreamed that you'd do what you did.  My heart aches.
• In 2014, I was accused of posting something secret on Facebook about someone's HS aged grandchild. IF I posted something that would mean others would have had to see it with my name attached to it. Why was I accused?  Because I have FB, the accuser does not, and because someone told her that they read it on FB, she assumed I posted the so-called secret.  My husband was called and yelled at, I was yelled at, terrible things were said about me, and I was snubbed.  Within hours, she found out that her granddaughter told the secret to one of her friends who posted it on FB.  I NEVER received an apology - to my face or otherwise.  I continue to be snubbed for something I didn't do.  Well, all I have to say to that is fuck you.  I've got no use for you.  When you call here, I don't answer (thank you for caller id).  I won't give you or your bitch daughter another thought.  If I never see you again it would be too soon.  And if you think that I'm being harsh, I'm fine with that.  It is my intention.
• M - I will always hate you for the things you did and said to my granddaughter.
• DP - I am surprised at your behavior.  Since you were lied to and cheated on, I wouldn't think you'd assist someone in doing the same to someone else.  I really am surprised.
• BV and RSS - I want nothing to do with either of you because of the pain and heartache you've caused to my sister.
• V - I am glad you moved away.  How dare you say those things about my husband who did nothing but look out for you. Then the neighbors told us how you told them we stole from you when we never did.  What reason would we have.  You have nothing we ever wanted.  In fact if anyone was trying to steal, it was you. You tried to take advantage of your mother's failing health and dementia for your own personal gain and to push us out.  Thankfully, we found out before it was too late. You were mean and unkind.  I am glad you are gone from here and no longer in our lives.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Whew!!!! OMG!  that felt great!  cathartic!

As The Year Ends

Year end brings on reflection - reflection of the past year and, for me, reflection of the past decade.  I've learned and experienced a lot in the past year as most of us have.  It's mostly about relationships and feelings but I've also discovered new boundary lines.  Is it age that makes me see my own boundaries more clearly?  Is it the same for others?  Is it wisdom based on age and experience?  Or, is it that the end of time is closer and the need to make the remaining years good ones - happy ones - surrounded only by those of my choosing?  Maybe it's all of the above.

Over the past year, there have been quite a few friends, relatives and neighbors that have passed. I know it's just part of life but it's difficult.  I guess as I've aged I also realize how short our time really is. I remember feeling as if I had all the time in the world.  In the past couple of years - and probably because my doctor actually said "you have 20-25 years or so left so let's make sure we keep on top of your health so you'll have quality time - I've realized that all the time in the world isn't all that long. And as hard as it was to hear, I want this next phase of my life to be as great as possible.

I know I can't totally eliminate stress nor do I want to.  Certain types of stress are healthy. For the next decade, I plan to eliminate as much drama as possible. I've unfriended and/or blocked people from my FB in the past couple of years and I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it has been. I've also decided what the criteria for my friend requesting and/or friend request accepting is.  So far, I've stuck to it and don't plan on changing it. I couldn't care less how high my "Friends" number is.  And to be quite honest, I'm still "friends" with some people on FB because unfriending or blocking them would cause a problem. However, those people see little to none of my wall or pictures because I have them limited to what they can view.  Believe it or not, it's been hugely helpful in reducing drama.

Also for the next decade, I am going to be more mindful of my health - better sleep habits, making healthier choices in meals, continue to consistently workout and use weights.

But my biggest biggest thing I need to do for me for the next decade is to accept my changing face.  Yeah, that's been really difficult for me.  I am not 20 or 30 anymore and never will be again.  I've been hating what I see even though I know there's so much more to me than the outside appearance.  I need to accept that what I see - the lines, the wrinkles, the overall changes - ARE a reflection of my life.  I should be cherishing the crinkly little laugh lines instead of stressing over the fact that they are there.  I have friends who died young and never had the opportunity to have laugh lines.  So what am I gonna do to feel better about my looks....take good care of my skin, teeth, hair....accept that I am older and use makeup accordingly (less is more so they say)....and pamper me more than I do now.  Maybe a once a week or every other week, home spa day.  Yeah!  I like that.

The next thing will be a 2014 Purge blog to rid myself of things I've been holding onto from the past year or so.

And with that - so begins my new decade!

Ahhh.... A Return to Normalcy

I cannot believe how long it's been since I blogged!  Things have been really crazy lately.  First, the move from the smaller house to the larger house was trying to say the least.  The amount of "stuff" a person can accumulate in 20+ years is remarkable. I found crazy pieces of paper with stuff written on it or scribbles or doodles that for some unknown reason, I felt the need to save.  So I sorted through all the stuff:  Trash - Shred - Donate - Keep - Yard Sale.  I tried to be as organized as possible with Trash going immediately out the door and Keep being put away immediately.  I called a local donation agency to pick up the Donations and the Shred stuff will be dropped off at the next local shredding event.  It felt good after sorting through everything but I found it harder than expected to purge myself of some things and to be quite honest, I haven't completely been able to do it.  Some of it is still sitting there waiting for me to have the courage.  What kind of things, you ask?  Anything that belonged to my mother or that has her name on it.  If I do anything other than keeping it, I feel like I am discarding her.  I'm not and I know that.  However, the emotional side says differently.  So I've been dealing with what I can for as long as I can then I stop.  I've still got clothing of hers that will never - ever - fit me.  Yet I can't let go.

We are in the larger house now and it really does look amazing!  All the floors are redone and our furniture looks fantastic in this house.  Because the walls are logs, it was just a matter of washing them down.  I did get some new rugs and reworked some curtains to fit these windows.

Anyway, it's on to finishing the clean up of the old house and renting it out.  Not looking forward to that but...  Also, I've got to really focus on ramping up my inventory for a Christmas Bazaar in a month.  So I'm off!  Hope it's not more than a month to my next blog.  Enjoy!  Peace!

Just "plarn" - ing around!

I had so much fun making these hats and bags for my store, Made Magical (check out https://www.mademagical.webs.com for links to my Facebook page and stores).  They're are made of 100% recycled material called plarn.  Plarn is short for plastic yarn. It's made from plastic grocery bags.  So it's just another way of keeping those pesky plastic grocery bags from landfills.

So I asked friends and family for their grocery bags and made my plarn.  Then, I sat down with my crochet hook and decided to make hats and bags.  I "winged" the first couple of hats and bags then decided to try writing my own pattern.  Thought they came out really cute.  I used a single crochet stitch to get a kind of straw hat/bag look.

I'll be making more and posting them to my Storenvy and Etsy shops.  They won't be available on eBay.  But get this - I've got them in my shop for only $5.00!

On to other things.... I've got piriformis syndrome a.g.a.i.n!  Let me tell you, this time it is so incredibly painful.  I know how I triggered it too - cardio!  I hate cardio!  I love my workouts - strength training with weights is my favorite but I also know that cardio is important too.  But this time, I was in a hurry to get my workout in so I could finish the hats and get them posted.  I didn't properly warm up and my mind really wasn't in it.  My bad.  So I'm suffering now.  Heat, ibuprofen and stretching - that's all I've been doing in between everything else.  You know, the mundane daily grind stuff.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to feel better and will try some weight, strength and stretching.  Hopefully that will help then I think going to some local yard sales, drying herbs and canning tomatoes.  Let's see what tomorrow brings.

 

The Times They Are A-Changing....

Over the past few years, it seems that the changes to my family's lives have been huge. Just when we think the ground has stopped shaking, another shock comes along.  It's been a real struggle for us all - loss of loved ones, divorce, betrayals, relocations - you name it and it's happened. I'm not saying that there haven't been any changes before now.  What would life be if there were never any changes?  It'd be boring - no progress whatsoever. I think what separates this time from all others is that our very foundation has taken a major blow - the hub of our family, my Mom, passed. She was the central person that brought everyone together.  We all congregated around her.  Now, it seems, we're trying to find our hub.  I know it's natural.  It's been going on for centuries.  But doesn't change the fact it's unnerving. I think we're trying to define ourselves again - define our family. I totally agree with the saying "you can't pick your relatives".  BUT you can pick your family.  Being related by blood doesn't make someone family.  Family is the core.  Family is the base.

Another major change is for 30 years, we and extended family (my husband's stepmother, R, and her daughter, V) have lived together on one property - separate space - one property.  For 30 years, my husband took care of everything - lawn, gardens, orchard, repairs, upgrades, etc.  We shared all expenses, shared the garden and orchard pickings, etc.  Two years ago, R died and the property became solely our responsibility.  My husband and I agreed felt that since this is V's home, she should stay right here if she wants but paying rent.  V has recently decided to live in the city - in a condo with 11 other unit - to get some rest - to make some friends. Listen!  Seriously, I don't get it but whatever.  But in her decision to leave, she's been making mean comments.  I suppose that she needs to do that to make the break from her country home for the past 30 years to her condo in the city.  She's a funny person to know.  Since her mother died, her friends have stopped coming or calling as have her aunt, uncles and cousins.

Anyway, we're now anxious for her to leave! Maybe that sounds mean but right now we plan on making some major improvements on the space she's currently living in (she fought us tooth and nail when we wanted to do it just before her mother died).  Improvements like updating the kitchen and new windows. Will we move into her space?  Will we rent out her space?  Will we take over the whole house and make it just one?  Who knows but it's kind of exciting!

Maybe this is just the thing we need to pull our family together - to find our core - to find our hub.

Suffering suffering suffering.... (aka I hate allergies!)

Forget the "your body changes every 7 years" or "as you age your allergies will disappear" bull crap!  The only change I can note with regard to allergies is that every 7 years that I become allergic to something I've never been allergic to and less allergic to something I've been allergic to.  And as far as disappearing? Fuhgetaboutit!  They certainly don't seem to be getting any less aggravating and incapacitating.

I'm lying on my couch this cool summer Sunday with swollen itchy eyes, red nose, and "married" to a box of tissue.  I've used my Nasonex, Claritin, allergy eye drops and finally, giving in to Benadryl and yes I am still suffering and not the least bit sleepy or showing signs that the reaction will ease.  So I checked www.pollen.com to find out what could be kicking up this latest flare-up and find, in my area, it's grasses, plantain and nettle.

Ah, yes!  That explains it!  Grasses.  Mixed Grasses.  We're surrounded by grasses.  Another item to add to the list.  I only noticed in the past couple of years that when grass pollen is up, my allergies get worse.

Oh, well nothing I can do except take another benadryl in a couple of hours, hold tight to box of tissue and ride it out.

Needling to Plant Seedlings

Just seeing the very beginnings of my seed sprouts is so exciting. It means Spring and vegetable garden planting... fresh tomatoes - squash - peppers - herbs!  I've got heat mats and some grow lights helping with the process.  Worked awesome for the squash, pumpkin, cuke plants and somewhat for the tomatoes, lettuce, spinach and escarole.  The peppers, as in past year, have been very stubborn to sprout.

Now, however, it seems like they've stalled!  Maybe it's me trying to rush the season.... me saying to myself, "I've only got a month & 1/2 before these babies are to be transplanted!"  or maybe it's because I really can't wait for those nice ripe tomatoes and  peppers - fresh salad - the drying basil and oregano smells filling the house.

So my plan til planting time:

• warmth and light for the seedlings - considering moving the plants onto the deck behind protection to gain more of the warmth and sunlight.
• light, light fertilizer on a weekly basis
• transplanting the squash, pumpkin and cukes into larger pots
• continuing to put them on heat mats through the night

And I welcome any other suggestions.  I'm thinking of having my husband build me a small greenhouse...

My 1st Morning Muse

Hello, morning! Everyone talks about how long this winter has been.  I guess people are feeling it more this year because we've had a lot of snow and exceptionally cold temps.  But it's winter, people! It's supposed to be cold.  We're supposed to have snow.  It's part of living in New England.

But, as much as I love winter - all the seasons actually except for the hot hazy humid days of summer - I am looking forward to spring - warmer temps, more sunlight and sprouting plants.  This weekend we turn the clocks an hour forward.  The thing I don't understand is why do we do that in the first place?  I mean, we turn the clocks back an hour in fall and an hour forward in the spring.  What's the point?  Why don't we just leave the clock alone. Well I'm adding a link to the history (at the end of muse) but I really do think it seems like a waste of time.

So I'm really feeling the need to add some spring this weekend. I think the best way to do that would be to figure out if I want to start plants indoors soon. I've done it for the past couple of years but the plants don't seem to get as big and robust as you see in the greenhouse.  I tried using a heating element under my plants last year and that helped but they aren't getting enough light.  So I'm considering buying a plant light or two to help. But the next question, is this really going to be cost effective?  What type of light do I really need? Does it need to be one that just provide what sunlight would provide or should it also provide heat? How much will it increase my energy bill?  UGH! I'll be doing some research on that and getting back to you all on the outcome.

So in addition to planning my garden, here's a list of some other things I'm planning to do to get my spring mojo on...

• Weeding through my clothes- omg! I've got so many clothes that I never even look at
• Continuing my workout (big posting for another day)
• Getting my 15" and 18" spring & summer doll clothing line out and posted
• Organizing my sewing area
• Bringing in some dormant forsythia branches to bloom

So stay tuned.... planning some pictures and many more musings.

Here's the link to Daylight Saving Time - http://geography.about.com/cs/daylightsavings/a/dst.htm

Til next time....