Angel...

I am consumed with grief. My heart hurts so much. I miss my daughter.  The sun doesn't shine as bright, the cold doesn't sting my face, candy's not as sweet and food has no taste. I can't stop thinking about her. Something happens or I read something and think, "oh, gotta call Angel.  She'll find this funny/interesting/sad/stupid." But I can't and I can't take her number out of my phone.  I can't remove her number from my favorites.

Angel was my 2nd child.  She was so tiny at birth.  She wasn't early or late nor was she exactly on time.  There was no fuss or hours of labor or intense pain. Felt some pressure, had a showing and 90 minutes later she was born. So tiny, so helpless and I felt overwhelmingly instantly protective.

Her father, in all honesty, was no good. Evil, really.  The only good in him was Angel.  And of course, rather than realize that the best part of him was her and do everything he could to care for her, protect her, make her life as good as possible, he chose to do the opposite.  In fact, he tried to use her.  Through Angel, he tried to get money from his mother, money from welfare, money from my family, etc.  He saw her as a way to get what he wanted. He tried to manipulate others - including me - using his relationship to my tiny, helpless little child.  The ending to this chapter of her story ended in 1979, thankfully.

He spent alot of time in and out of prison.... mostly small crimes, but crimes nonetheless.  During his time in prison, I visited him only a handful of times before I decided the relationship was over. Although I had an attorney, I was ordered by the court to bring her to the prison to visit him and that his brother had agreed to take us to and from the prison to make it easy for his brother to see him.  A few days prior to the first court ordered visit, his brother contacted me to tell me that he would be over early because drugs needed to be smuggled in and hiding them on the baby was the easiest way to get it in without being discovered. I told him that there was no way I was going to allow my child to be used for smuggling in drugs and I would not go with someone carrying drugs.  I called my lawyer who I assume did whatever he needed to do on his end.  I received a call from my attorney the day before visiting and was told I still had to go and I told him that it was out of the question and told him that, if necessary, I would risk being in contempt.  Next thing I know, I was told I wouldn't have to bring her after all.

But his evilness didn't end there.  He sent criminals to my apartment in the middle of the night banging on my doors and windows until I'd call the police.  He had dangerous mob associated prisoners sending me threatening letters from prison.  So I turned over copies of all the letters to the prison chaplain asking him to intervene on my behalf.  Then I found a new apartment and moved.  It took him years to find me and that was only because my new attorney who later became the State's Attorney General then Governor was taking him to court to force him to relinquish paternity rights. And it worked! It was the best thing that could have ever happened!

It was like the evil that surrounded our lives had gone back to hell (or prison or wherever) for good....

That one thing changed everything.  My Angel had a beautiful life with little to no worry about that evil man returning.  She was surrounded by love. She had opportunities she'd have never had if that p.o.s. had remained a part of her life.

I miss her.  I love her.  She's always in my heart and a part of my everyday.  I got to be her mommy, her first and best cheerleader and I got to share all her life.