Getting Used to "Different"

"They" say that my grief will be better over time. But it's really more like getting used to things being different. Right now, it feels like a rollercoaster. Somedays or even some moments are uphill and just so hard to get then there's that momentary peak when I can breathe or sleep followed by a day that seems to fly by.  Usually those days end with me lying in the dark, thinking of my daughter, wishing to hear her voice or see her smile and wondering why my beautiful, intelligent, happy, fun-loving, intensely loyal and loving daughter was taken so young, so soon.

I think of my Angel constantly. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to dream of her. It's usually ordinary things like talking to her on the phone or hanging out. I've even dreamt of her hugging me and I physically felt it. It was glorious! I could feel her arms hugging me tight. I could feel her hair on my face. I heard her voice.... "I love you madly, Mommy."

As a child, my Angel was clingy. She had a cry that would scramble your brain cells and as an infant, she cried alot.  It would usually start just when I'd go to bed and fall asleep. I'd have to walk her or rock her for a couple of hours before she'd calm down. Sometimes a bottle would help, sometimes not. As tired as I was, as aggravating as it could be, those nights I had her all to myself. I didn't have to share her. And, she wanted no one but me.

She was such a cute, funny and huggy child. She had imaginary friends - Johnny, Lucy and the monkeys in the monkey hole. She had great stories about their adventures.  For a little while, she would say she was a cat and she'd even meow like one.  There are so many stories - so many memories - 44 years of memories.

There was a time when Angel would tell me that she was never going to get married; that she'd live with me always.  Of course, like any good parent would do, I tried to make sure she had all the skills she needed to be a successful, independent adult and encouraged her to strike out on her own. I'd always be there to catch her if she fell, to listen to her fears, to celebrate her successes.  Angel did have children, did marry, did go out on her own. She did attain a degree and have wonderful career opportunities.

She was an amazing mom and incredibly attentive to the needs of her kids. And, in fact, she was pretty wonderful with all children. She loved to volunteer in her kids extracurricular activities because being involved with her children meant everything to her. Because of her, she has happy, well-adjusted children; children who are strong, independent and vocal.

Over the years, our relationship wasn't just mother-daughter.  We loved to hang out - usually me, Angel and her sister.  We spent alot of time laughing - laughing until tears would stream down our faces.  We shared gossip - we vented - we helped each other with parties and party planning. The 3 of us have always been exceptionally close - we could practically read each others' minds. We had daily contact and usually multiple times per day.

So how do I/we move forward? Her passing has left a gaping hole in our lives. There are days that I'm okay - there are days it takes all my strength to not cry - but there hasn't been a single day since she was born that she and her sister haven't been on my mind and a part of my life.  I feel like I just don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.....

Goodbye 2017....

I haven't been here in a long time - months - maybe a year.  I really need to be back now, to express my grief.  The great loss of my child, my baby. And while 44 is not a child or a baby, she was my youngest - my most precious Angel.

It started in March.  Angel got sick.  Sick in a way to appear to be flu-like.  But it wasnt....Cancer, they said.  Melanoma - Metastasized Melanoma - Stage 4.  I heard them say it but I just couldn't accept what I heard. I remember thinking that they had to be wrong.  She had no moles or skin discolorations that changed. It just seemed impossible!

My daughter went through 8 months of surgery, therapies, infusions, intravenous fluids, radiation, transfusions, etc. She kept wondering why..... why was this happening to her..... what had she done to cause this on herself and family.  Then family members actually said that it was because she was out in the sun without sunscreen or got sunburned, etc. In truth, it's no one's fault. It's not some sort of punishment. It's not karma.  It's as my mom said, "sometimes things just happen." And she's right.

So on this New Year's Eve, I say "goodbye 2017" with some reservation.  For the most part, it was an awful year.  There were a couple of bright spots - my granddaughter's baby shower in February which was the last happy party where Angel was happy and healthy (as far as we all knew) - the birth of my first great granddaughter, Angel's great niece, and for whom Angel wanted to make a mermaid crib set and babysit for on a regular basis.  See, literally only a couple of bright spots.

For the past 46 years, every New Year's Eve was connected to my children in some way.  If I wasn't with them, I spoke to them at midnight.  As they got older with families of their own, they'd be doing their own family things, but I'd hear from them at midnight.  They didn't always call me - sometimes it wasn't until the next day.  But Angel never forgot. And while I'd like to be relieved that this year is over, I feel like as I move on to 2018, I'm leaving my Angel behind.  I know, I know.  I carry her in my heart but it feels like I'm leaving her behind.  This year they'll be no call from her.  And never again will I hear, "Happy New Year, Mommy!  I love you madly!"

It wasn't until after my niece took a picture of me and posted it on social media last night that I realized just how the past 6 months have affected me..... I look awful!  Truthfully, I feel awful!  I feel depressed and stressed out.  I keep trying to put on the traditional "I'm OK" face but I'm not and that picture proved it. I've gained weight, my face is puffy, my hair is a mess, my skin is uneven.  I haven't faithfully worked out since my daughter's cancer diagnosis.  I worry. I cry.  I try to continue normal everyday things - I try to be interested in what's going on around me.  It's just not the same.  I don't feel good. I don't feel like me. And, no, I am not taking care of myself.  Even the clothes I have on in that picture are a mess!

So beginning today - not the first of the month - not the first of the week - just this day in the early morning hours, I am recommiting to taking time for me - 30-60 mins of exercise 4-5 days per week and keeping a daily food and exercise journal (myfitnesspal).  I'm going to get my hair styled and I'm throwing out all my clothes that don't fit - a total mess - just aren't "me".

I need to turn this around.  If I'm not at my best, I can't help my daughter.