Goodbye 2017....

I haven't been here in a long time - months - maybe a year.  I really need to be back now, to express my grief.  The great loss of my child, my baby. And while 44 is not a child or a baby, she was my youngest - my most precious Angel.

It started in March.  Angel got sick.  Sick in a way to appear to be flu-like.  But it wasnt....Cancer, they said.  Melanoma - Metastasized Melanoma - Stage 4.  I heard them say it but I just couldn't accept what I heard. I remember thinking that they had to be wrong.  She had no moles or skin discolorations that changed. It just seemed impossible!

My daughter went through 8 months of surgery, therapies, infusions, intravenous fluids, radiation, transfusions, etc. She kept wondering why..... why was this happening to her..... what had she done to cause this on herself and family.  Then family members actually said that it was because she was out in the sun without sunscreen or got sunburned, etc. In truth, it's no one's fault. It's not some sort of punishment. It's not karma.  It's as my mom said, "sometimes things just happen." And she's right.

So on this New Year's Eve, I say "goodbye 2017" with some reservation.  For the most part, it was an awful year.  There were a couple of bright spots - my granddaughter's baby shower in February which was the last happy party where Angel was happy and healthy (as far as we all knew) - the birth of my first great granddaughter, Angel's great niece, and for whom Angel wanted to make a mermaid crib set and babysit for on a regular basis.  See, literally only a couple of bright spots.

For the past 46 years, every New Year's Eve was connected to my children in some way.  If I wasn't with them, I spoke to them at midnight.  As they got older with families of their own, they'd be doing their own family things, but I'd hear from them at midnight.  They didn't always call me - sometimes it wasn't until the next day.  But Angel never forgot. And while I'd like to be relieved that this year is over, I feel like as I move on to 2018, I'm leaving my Angel behind.  I know, I know.  I carry her in my heart but it feels like I'm leaving her behind.  This year they'll be no call from her.  And never again will I hear, "Happy New Year, Mommy!  I love you madly!"

Rollercoaster Ride

So far, 2015 has started off like a roller coaster ride or maybe more like a sled ride down a huge snow covered hill with major peaks and deep valleys  I'm making that analogy because of the vast amount of snow we've gotten over the past 4 weeks.  In my area, close to 70 inches.  It's amazing.  And while it is beautiful, it's a bear to move and there's nowhere to put it.

Then my husband's brother (my favorite in-law) passed away unexpectedly one week before Super Bowl.  My husband and he were close.  They would talk through every New England Patriots game..... sometimes yelling, sometimes agreeing... but always on the same side. They would talk regularly through the week, too, about anything and everything - the weather, landscape work, how to upload songs to the mp3 player, what's going in with the Celtics/Patriots/politics. My husband, though he doesn't say much, misses those conversation - misses the family connection - just misses his brother.  I miss him calling the house and joking around on the phone.  I miss spending a Sunday afternoon with my brother-in-law and his wife - going out to dinner or browsing through an antique shop.

And now my former brother-in-law is dying. I've been separated & divorced from his brother for 40 years but I still thought of my former brother-in-law as family. I loved him. My heart aches for his son, daughter and granddaughter.  I recently went to see him after he was admitted to the local hospice facility.  It was difficult to see him so thin - so frail - so quiet.  And yet, it was good to see him smile, to give him a hug, to talk to him a little.  It was good to let him know I love him.

I'm hoping that with the melting of the snow - then end of this winter - will bring some calm, some hope..... Spring.