Getting Used to "Different"

"They" say that my grief will be better over time. But it's really more like getting used to things being different. Right now, it feels like a rollercoaster. Somedays or even some moments are uphill and just so hard to get then there's that momentary peak when I can breathe or sleep followed by a day that seems to fly by.  Usually those days end with me lying in the dark, thinking of my daughter, wishing to hear her voice or see her smile and wondering why my beautiful, intelligent, happy, fun-loving, intensely loyal and loving daughter was taken so young, so soon.

I think of my Angel constantly. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to dream of her. It's usually ordinary things like talking to her on the phone or hanging out. I've even dreamt of her hugging me and I physically felt it. It was glorious! I could feel her arms hugging me tight. I could feel her hair on my face. I heard her voice.... "I love you madly, Mommy."

As a child, my Angel was clingy. She had a cry that would scramble your brain cells and as an infant, she cried alot.  It would usually start just when I'd go to bed and fall asleep. I'd have to walk her or rock her for a couple of hours before she'd calm down. Sometimes a bottle would help, sometimes not. As tired as I was, as aggravating as it could be, those nights I had her all to myself. I didn't have to share her. And, she wanted no one but me.

She was such a cute, funny and huggy child. She had imaginary friends - Johnny, Lucy and the monkeys in the monkey hole. She had great stories about their adventures.  For a little while, she would say she was a cat and she'd even meow like one.  There are so many stories - so many memories - 44 years of memories.

There was a time when Angel would tell me that she was never going to get married; that she'd live with me always.  Of course, like any good parent would do, I tried to make sure she had all the skills she needed to be a successful, independent adult and encouraged her to strike out on her own. I'd always be there to catch her if she fell, to listen to her fears, to celebrate her successes.  Angel did have children, did marry, did go out on her own. She did attain a degree and have wonderful career opportunities.

She was an amazing mom and incredibly attentive to the needs of her kids. And, in fact, she was pretty wonderful with all children. She loved to volunteer in her kids extracurricular activities because being involved with her children meant everything to her. Because of her, she has happy, well-adjusted children; children who are strong, independent and vocal.

Over the years, our relationship wasn't just mother-daughter.  We loved to hang out - usually me, Angel and her sister.  We spent alot of time laughing - laughing until tears would stream down our faces.  We shared gossip - we vented - we helped each other with parties and party planning. The 3 of us have always been exceptionally close - we could practically read each others' minds. We had daily contact and usually multiple times per day.

So how do I/we move forward? Her passing has left a gaping hole in our lives. There are days that I'm okay - there are days it takes all my strength to not cry - but there hasn't been a single day since she was born that she and her sister haven't been on my mind and a part of my life.  I feel like I just don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.....