When Illness Strikes...

I'm having trouble absorbing it. It seems unreal. My daughter - my child - my baby has metastasized melanoma.  While 44 may not be a young child, she's still my child, my baby.  My daughter, her family, in fact, our entire family has been blind-sided.

In late February, my daughter was brought to the hospital thinking she had the flu or stomach virus and was dehydrated from her illness. Within 2 weeks, she was found to have an aggressive form of metastasized melanoma of which the source has not been found.  At the end of that 2 weeks, she had 2 major surgeries to remove a cancerous tumor on her spine that fractured some discs and repair her spine.  She's had radiation on the area and begun chemo treatments.  After 10 +/- weeks of hospitalization and rehab, she was finally able to go home to continue rehabilitation and chemo. Long weeks away from home.  Long weeks away from family.  Long weeks of pain, disbelief, heartache.  But she's home and that's the most important thing.

Since my Mom died 6 years ago, our family has been rocked by something major almost every year.  I just wish to go back to the time when things stayed the same.  Sounds ridiculous, I know, but there was a time when things stayed pretty constant.  Sure there were some losses..... moving away, divorces, deaths.  There were also additions.... marriages, new babies.  But the last 6 years have been different. We've lost many close friends and relatives, many fighting serious illness, many surviving those illnesses and many not. But it just seems that recently major change is the norm.  It's hard to deal with all the time and now this!

 My daughter has quite a fight ahead of her and I'm hoping - no praying! - that she's got the will and the stamina to get through it.  She's had a really tough time so far. She's having a difficult time going from being just her to now being sick all the time.  Having to deal with the fact that the illness now has taken over - is dictating her every move - has taken center stage in her thoughts, dreams, actions.  I'm heartbroken.  We're heartbroken.  But trying to stay positive. Trying to project a positive, stable front.  Trying to not cry all the time.  Trying to accept this new norm.

Early Morning Rise

It's easily a month since I got up early!  Since the weather change, I've not been waking up until 8am and truthfully, I hate that.  I've never been a late sleeper and yes, 8 a.n. is late to me.  I've been like this always.  I feel like I'm missing something if I'm not up just when the sun comes up.  It also makes me feel like the day goes by too quickly.  Getting up early was never a big deal when I was working but now that I'm "retired" it's so much more difficult.  I've got things on my mind today.  My baby (hardly a baby since she's in her 40s) is having some medical testing today and, I'm worried.  More scared than worried and I'm praying hard for the best possible outcome because I know there's a problem and I don't like the direction my mind is taking.  Anyway.....

Speaking of retiring.  Do you know it has taken me 3-4 years to finally sleep past 5 a.m.  I also am finally feeling less and less like I'm doing nothing.  You know, everyone told me I'd be bored.  I'm not.  In fact, I'm far from bored.  I've got so much to do it's not funny!  And yes, my house is clean - very very clean!  I'm not spending entire days cleaning either.  And with my husband also retired, I've got help inside cleaning and he's got help outside cleaning.  And I am working out on a regular basis so physically and mentally, I am feeling better than when I was working.  I'm also able to actually can and preserve the fruits and veggies we're getting from the garden and small orchard.  Mind you, I have been canning and preserving since June so I am pretty sick of it now :D

I've also got my small - very small - online doll clothes business which keeps me really busy.  I'm still learning the ropes - pricing, descriptions, posting, marketing, shipping, blogging, tweeting, Facebook!  On top of all that I'm trying to figure out what sells best and what will make me stand out from the crowd.  And I'm doing a craft show the Sunday after Thanksgiving and need to ramp up my inventory.  So I'm really busy.  It's been very slow and the competition is incredible.  It's never going to be something that makes me alot of money but it is fun and it is creative..... and it makes me feel useful.  Yes, I said useful.

Seems, recently, that I've felt or realized that I'm well pass middle age.  I don't think that we give much thought to those things when we're younger.  We're so busy with working and raising families.  We almost feel like life goes on forever.  When life slows down and we retire from the daily grind, we realize that it's not forever - that we're approaching the end.  When I retired I didn't expect to feel useless -like I have no purpose anymore.  But I did feel that way and is probably one of the reasons for starting my online business.  It's made me realize how other older people must feel.  I worry that I will someday be too old for doing the things I love to do and that I'll be like my grandmother was - sitting alone in her living room- watching television - counting the days to the end.  My grandmother is a story for another day.

I remember when and how it felt to feel like I had my whole life ahead of me and I remember wishing I was older so I could do this, that or the other.  I remember being in my 30s wishing I could retire to do all the things I really liked to do or wanted to do.  Now I wish I could go backwards.

Sorry for the negative turn but I never said this blog would be all happiness and joy.  'Til the next time...

Goodbye August! Hello September!

I wish this summer would end!  I am not a hot, hazy, humid kinda person and my hair!  My hair hates it even more.  I was trying to grow it out again but my patience in growing it out has grown thin.  Why? Because it is so thick! And so curly! And the worst thing possible for thick, curly hair?  H.U.M.I.D.I.T.Y! So, I believe I'll be cutting it real soon :D

The only way to deal with the triple H, is in the house with ice water and lemon sitting in front of a fan or 2.  Not one to be idle, I have to be doing something so I sew or knit or crochet.  While I'm sewing and knitting and crocheting, I tend to mull over things - the past, the present, the people in my life, the people I don't want in my life.

My latest mullings have been about someone from the past.  The one thing I wish I could change is marrying my first husband! I was so stupid at 17 and didn't realize I was marrying the devil incarnate. Although it took 5 years for the divorce to be final, we didn't spend more than a year actually together.

He was the epitome of evil. I have never met another human being that was even remotely like him. If you looked up narcissist in the dictionary, you'd probably find his picture.  Why? Let's see, without going into details, he only had feelings for himself - no others.  He saw others in terms of what they could do for him - what would he need to do or say to manipulate them into doing what would make him happy for the moment.  He had no qualms about professing undying love - including for or to his child - that he didn't feel. Looking back the 17 year old me and things that happened during the time I was with this person, I realize things that the naive 17 year old didn't realize was happening. There was only one good thing that came of our very short relationship - my daughter.  Thankfully, I was able to keep him completely and totally away from her. I won't go into detail but there were good reasons for my actions and she has thrived because of them.  She's never had any desire to be in contact with him.  She has had a close relationship with one of her cousins because they share the same extreme dislike of this horrible man. Why has his existence come to the forefront now?  Because of some things that he has done since his brother's death earlier this year. I'm sure memories of him will drop out of my mind and hopefully, this short spewing will accomplish that so I can forget about him again.

So while I've been hiding from the heat (which seriously feels like hell!), mulling over the past, I've been doing some crocheting.  Crocheting is not my favorite thing to do but my granddaughters saw a Brazillian Bikini top pattern that they liked. You can get the pattern here! Now mind you, I've never followed a crochet pattern.  I tend to think that there's very little I can't do so I bought the pattern on line.  Do you know that although I've been crocheting since I was 5 or 6, I didn't know until this pattern that I use UK stitches and of course, this pattern is in US stitches. Didn't even know there was a difference.  So after trial and error, I made 2 tops using Lydia's Fashion 3 yarn and a 2.5mm hook.  They came out awesome!  So, of course, they girls each want 2 more in other colors!  I've started one in black and will be doing 3 more in natural white, cocoa and rose.  Yup, Christmas presents started!  Woot for me!
Check it out

I'll post pix after they're all done.  For now.... stay cool :D

So far, 60 sucks!

I get up early stumbling to the bathroom and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I recognize the me behind the eyes but not the face that I see.  Where did the time go?  When did I get old?

Turning 60 has hit me hard!  I remember my 40th birthday bothered me a little; my 50th not so much.  But 60 has been brutal!  Maybe it's because of the hormonal changes that happen. Someone once said to me that menopause makes you old really quickly.  I didn't agree but what did I know at the time.

I suddenly feel completely and totally out of my element.  As a kid, I was unsure of how to dress, what to wear, what was fashionable, what looked good on me.  I had no idea what to do with my hair or how to apply make up.  But I eventually outgrew those things and became comfortable in my appearance, fashion choice, hairstyle.  My weight was pretty constant and I even spent time in my 30s in tights, leotards, leg warmers and sweatbands doing "dance aerobics", "sweating to the oldies", Gloria Stevens workout classes and Jane Fonda tapes.  I felt good, healthy and fit. In my 40s and early 50s, my workouts slid away to nothing.  My annual physicals were great.... well, until my late 50s when my annuals started showing how genetics was playing it's part in my overall health.  So I've gone back to working out with free workout programs from HASfit and Beauty&theFit..  I'm also back to being careful of what I eat and using portion control.  But....... I still feel completely and totally out of my element in this phase of my life.

I always thought I would grow old gracefully.  But I'm not.  I'm kicking and screaming and trying to turn the clock back and c'mon, let's face it, that's just impossible.  So what do I do?  Okay, I'll keep working out but I suddenly don't know how to dress!  I don't know what to do with my hair!  I don't know how to feel comfortable in my own skin.  And sex!  OMG!  Don't even get me started.  I feel like I did when I was 20.  So sexually, I'm 20 in my head and 60 in my body.  It ain't pretty.

So what do I do?  How do I get myself back to feel comfortable again?  Is this just a morning rant - NO, folks, it's not.  When I hit the "enter" key and publish this post, I'm going to wash my face, try to do something with my hair and try to find something to wear that won't make me look like I'm trying to be 20 years younger or not dowdy and old.

In conclusion, so far, 60 really does suck!

July's Theme: Iced Coffee

It's been hot! Not just hot - the dreaded HHH - Hot - Hazy - Humid.  While I love the fresh tomatoes, herbs, peppers, zucchini, squash flowers, etc and while I'm perfectly willing to cook and can in this freakin' heat, I still dislike the summer's heat and humidity.  No I don't own an air conditioner and quite frankly, I find that living and sleeping in air conditioned rooms makes dealing with heat and humidity so much harder.  It's exhausting to leave an air conditioned store and step into a wall of heat and soaking humidity.  My favorite way to cool down - iced coffee - store bought, homemade, whatever!  I love it!

So as I sit her sipping my iced coffee, I'm thinking of how I really need to focus more. My new online business venture is slow.  It's hard to take yourself from a crafty hobby to home-based online business and be successful.  I'm not trying to go big but I'm finding that sales are slow and I'm pretty sure I know the reason.  I lose focus.  And I lose focus because part of being a one person business is that you have to wear all the hats.  I love the creative hat and the production hat.  Not too crazy about the marketing and financial hats, though, and that's a really biggie.

For instance, I hate the photo shoots but I don't mind doing the listings on my eBay and Etsy shops.  The thing that I really find overwhelming and time consuming are updating Facebook... and Twitter (which I really totally suck at).... and blogging.... and keeping the website fresh.  In other words, I really need to either developing a love of marketing or get me a free marketing person.  I also need to develop better bookkeeping skills.  No!  I take that back.  What I need to do is take the time to organize my receipts, bring my programs up to date and keep it that way.

But it's summer! I feel like I need to be outside for awhile everyday.  Since I'm a huge morning person, I want to do everything in the morning.... everything that requires outside time while the day is cooler and I'm the most energetic.  By afternoon, I want to do nothing but read or knit or crossword puzzles maybe even veg out in front of the TV.  After dinner and dinner clean up, I have no ambition to work on business stuff.  It's crazy, huh.

My goal is develop some focus aka a business plan that I can work from including days and time frames.  Being a list person, you'd think this would be easy but it's not and the biggest reason for that is my husband is retired.  He's a huge distraction to me.  My hope is that I can get him to help me with some things.  Hey!  I wonder how he'd be doing photo shoots?!?  I know the creative, production, technical and financial side won't interest him.  But who knows, that might come with time :D

For starters, I'll be working on a Made Magical blog and I've got some posts in draft form.  I've got some draft posts I'm working on for this blog also.  Hoping to get those done soon also

:D

Cherry Peppers....ooh aah

What a great time of year!  Gardens are overflowing with beautiful, fresh veggies.  Right now, I've got the most beautiful hot cherry peppers. There's nothing like being outside on a warm summer night before an outdoor fire enjoying a nice glass of wine and antipasto (cured meats, olives, artichoke hearts, anchovies, i.e.) with my own stuffed hot cherry peppers.

You can make your own, too.  Here's the recipe.

STUFFED CHERRY PEPPERS

• Fresh cherry peppers with stems.  You will need enough peppers to fill the jar or jars you want to fill.  Use sweet or hot peppers.  Using both red and green makes the jars look colorful.
• White vinegar
• Canola oil
• Olive Oil (I use extra virgin)
• Extra sharp provolone cheese (block form not sliced)
• Prosciutto
• Fresh Basil
• Fresh Parsley
• Fresh Oregano

1. Wash the cherry peppers.  Leave the stems on the peppers.
2. Place all the peppers in a container.
3. Pour enough white vinegar over the peppers to cover them.  The peppers will float so you will need to place something on top of the peppers to keep them below the surface of the vinegar.
4. Let peppers soak for 4 - 7 days.  The longer the soak, the more vinegar you will taste. I put the container in the refrigerator because the vinegar will attract fruit fleas.

Peppers floating in vinegar

Peppers below the surface

 After soaking for the desired time,

Cored peppers, prosciutto & extra sharp provolone cheese

1. Remove the peppers from the vinegar.
2. Carefully remove the stem, seeds and core being careful to keep the pepper whole
3. Cut a square of provolone to a size to fit into the center of the cherry pepper.
4. Wrap the cheese with some provolone and place inside the cherry pepper.  Make sure it fits snugly so that it doesn't fall out of the pepper.
5. Place inside a clean ball jar.
6. Repeat 3-5 until the jar is full.
7. Sprinkle some basil, parsley and oregano over the peppers in the jar.
8. Fill the jar at least half way with Canola oil.
9. Fill the rest of the jar with olive oil.
10. Place a lid and band on the jar and store in the refrigerator.
11. Peppers should sit for at least 7 days before eating.  It's all right if the oil looks a bit cloudy and the olive oil may solidify a little.  Before serving, take the jar out of the refrigerator and allow it to sit at room temperature for about 10 minutes so that the olive oil liquifies.

Gustare con un bicchiere di vino rosso e pane croccante.
 (Enjoy with red wine and crusty Italian bread.)

Rollercoaster Ride

So far, 2015 has started off like a roller coaster ride or maybe more like a sled ride down a huge snow covered hill with major peaks and deep valleys  I'm making that analogy because of the vast amount of snow we've gotten over the past 4 weeks.  In my area, close to 70 inches.  It's amazing.  And while it is beautiful, it's a bear to move and there's nowhere to put it.

Then my husband's brother (my favorite in-law) passed away unexpectedly one week before Super Bowl.  My husband and he were close.  They would talk through every New England Patriots game..... sometimes yelling, sometimes agreeing... but always on the same side. They would talk regularly through the week, too, about anything and everything - the weather, landscape work, how to upload songs to the mp3 player, what's going in with the Celtics/Patriots/politics. My husband, though he doesn't say much, misses those conversation - misses the family connection - just misses his brother.  I miss him calling the house and joking around on the phone.  I miss spending a Sunday afternoon with my brother-in-law and his wife - going out to dinner or browsing through an antique shop.

And now my former brother-in-law is dying. I've been separated & divorced from his brother for 40 years but I still thought of my former brother-in-law as family. I loved him. My heart aches for his son, daughter and granddaughter.  I recently went to see him after he was admitted to the local hospice facility.  It was difficult to see him so thin - so frail - so quiet.  And yet, it was good to see him smile, to give him a hug, to talk to him a little.  It was good to let him know I love him.

I'm hoping that with the melting of the snow - then end of this winter - will bring some calm, some hope..... Spring.