Getting Used to "Different"

"They" say that my grief will be better over time. But it's really more like getting used to things being different. Right now, it feels like a rollercoaster. Somedays or even some moments are uphill and just so hard to get then there's that momentary peak when I can breathe or sleep followed by a day that seems to fly by.  Usually those days end with me lying in the dark, thinking of my daughter, wishing to hear her voice or see her smile and wondering why my beautiful, intelligent, happy, fun-loving, intensely loyal and loving daughter was taken so young, so soon.

I think of my Angel constantly. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to dream of her. It's usually ordinary things like talking to her on the phone or hanging out. I've even dreamt of her hugging me and I physically felt it. It was glorious! I could feel her arms hugging me tight. I could feel her hair on my face. I heard her voice.... "I love you madly, Mommy."

As a child, my Angel was clingy. She had a cry that would scramble your brain cells and as an infant, she cried alot.  It would usually start just when I'd go to bed and fall asleep. I'd have to walk her or rock her for a couple of hours before she'd calm down. Sometimes a bottle would help, sometimes not. As tired as I was, as aggravating as it could be, those nights I had her all to myself. I didn't have to share her. And, she wanted no one but me.

She was such a cute, funny and huggy child. She had imaginary friends - Johnny, Lucy and the monkeys in the monkey hole. She had great stories about their adventures.  For a little while, she would say she was a cat and she'd even meow like one.  There are so many stories - so many memories - 44 years of memories.

There was a time when Angel would tell me that she was never going to get married; that she'd live with me always.  Of course, like any good parent would do, I tried to make sure she had all the skills she needed to be a successful, independent adult and encouraged her to strike out on her own. I'd always be there to catch her if she fell, to listen to her fears, to celebrate her successes.  Angel did have children, did marry, did go out on her own. She did attain a degree and have wonderful career opportunities.

She was an amazing mom and incredibly attentive to the needs of her kids. And, in fact, she was pretty wonderful with all children. She loved to volunteer in her kids extracurricular activities because being involved with her children meant everything to her. Because of her, she has happy, well-adjusted children; children who are strong, independent and vocal.

Over the years, our relationship wasn't just mother-daughter.  We loved to hang out - usually me, Angel and her sister.  We spent alot of time laughing - laughing until tears would stream down our faces.  We shared gossip - we vented - we helped each other with parties and party planning. The 3 of us have always been exceptionally close - we could practically read each others' minds. We had daily contact and usually multiple times per day.

So how do I/we move forward? Her passing has left a gaping hole in our lives. There are days that I'm okay - there are days it takes all my strength to not cry - but there hasn't been a single day since she was born that she and her sister haven't been on my mind and a part of my life.  I feel like I just don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.....

Angel...

I am consumed with grief. My heart hurts so much. I miss my daughter.  The sun doesn't shine as bright, the cold doesn't sting my face, candy's not as sweet and food has no taste. I can't stop thinking about her. Something happens or I read something and think, "oh, gotta call Angel.  She'll find this funny/interesting/sad/stupid." But I can't and I can't take her number out of my phone.  I can't remove her number from my favorites.

Angel was my 2nd child.  She was so tiny at birth.  She wasn't early or late nor was she exactly on time.  There was no fuss or hours of labor or intense pain. Felt some pressure, had a showing and 90 minutes later she was born. So tiny, so helpless and I felt overwhelmingly instantly protective.

Her father, in all honesty, was no good. Evil, really.  The only good in him was Angel.  And of course, rather than realize that the best part of him was her and do everything he could to care for her, protect her, make her life as good as possible, he chose to do the opposite.  In fact, he tried to use her.  Through Angel, he tried to get money from his mother, money from welfare, money from my family, etc.  He saw her as a way to get what he wanted. He tried to manipulate others - including me - using his relationship to my tiny, helpless little child.  The ending to this chapter of her story ended in 1979, thankfully.

He spent alot of time in and out of prison.... mostly small crimes, but crimes nonetheless.  During his time in prison, I visited him only a handful of times before I decided the relationship was over. Although I had an attorney, I was ordered by the court to bring her to the prison to visit him and that his brother had agreed to take us to and from the prison to make it easy for his brother to see him.  A few days prior to the first court ordered visit, his brother contacted me to tell me that he would be over early because drugs needed to be smuggled in and hiding them on the baby was the easiest way to get it in without being discovered. I told him that there was no way I was going to allow my child to be used for smuggling in drugs and I would not go with someone carrying drugs.  I called my lawyer who I assume did whatever he needed to do on his end.  I received a call from my attorney the day before visiting and was told I still had to go and I told him that it was out of the question and told him that, if necessary, I would risk being in contempt.  Next thing I know, I was told I wouldn't have to bring her after all.

But his evilness didn't end there.  He sent criminals to my apartment in the middle of the night banging on my doors and windows until I'd call the police.  He had dangerous mob associated prisoners sending me threatening letters from prison.  So I turned over copies of all the letters to the prison chaplain asking him to intervene on my behalf.  Then I found a new apartment and moved.  It took him years to find me and that was only because my new attorney who later became the State's Attorney General then Governor was taking him to court to force him to relinquish paternity rights. And it worked! It was the best thing that could have ever happened!

It was like the evil that surrounded our lives had gone back to hell (or prison or wherever) for good....

That one thing changed everything.  My Angel had a beautiful life with little to no worry about that evil man returning.  She was surrounded by love. She had opportunities she'd have never had if that p.o.s. had remained a part of her life.

I miss her.  I love her.  She's always in my heart and a part of my everyday.  I got to be her mommy, her first and best cheerleader and I got to share all her life.

Goodbye 2017....

I haven't been here in a long time - months - maybe a year.  I really need to be back now, to express my grief.  The great loss of my child, my baby. And while 44 is not a child or a baby, she was my youngest - my most precious Angel.

It started in March.  Angel got sick.  Sick in a way to appear to be flu-like.  But it wasnt....Cancer, they said.  Melanoma - Metastasized Melanoma - Stage 4.  I heard them say it but I just couldn't accept what I heard. I remember thinking that they had to be wrong.  She had no moles or skin discolorations that changed. It just seemed impossible!

My daughter went through 8 months of surgery, therapies, infusions, intravenous fluids, radiation, transfusions, etc. She kept wondering why..... why was this happening to her..... what had she done to cause this on herself and family.  Then family members actually said that it was because she was out in the sun without sunscreen or got sunburned, etc. In truth, it's no one's fault. It's not some sort of punishment. It's not karma.  It's as my mom said, "sometimes things just happen." And she's right.

So on this New Year's Eve, I say "goodbye 2017" with some reservation.  For the most part, it was an awful year.  There were a couple of bright spots - my granddaughter's baby shower in February which was the last happy party where Angel was happy and healthy (as far as we all knew) - the birth of my first great granddaughter, Angel's great niece, and for whom Angel wanted to make a mermaid crib set and babysit for on a regular basis.  See, literally only a couple of bright spots.

For the past 46 years, every New Year's Eve was connected to my children in some way.  If I wasn't with them, I spoke to them at midnight.  As they got older with families of their own, they'd be doing their own family things, but I'd hear from them at midnight.  They didn't always call me - sometimes it wasn't until the next day.  But Angel never forgot. And while I'd like to be relieved that this year is over, I feel like as I move on to 2018, I'm leaving my Angel behind.  I know, I know.  I carry her in my heart but it feels like I'm leaving her behind.  This year they'll be no call from her.  And never again will I hear, "Happy New Year, Mommy!  I love you madly!"

It wasn't until after my niece took a picture of me and posted it on social media last night that I realized just how the past 6 months have affected me..... I look awful!  Truthfully, I feel awful!  I feel depressed and stressed out.  I keep trying to put on the traditional "I'm OK" face but I'm not and that picture proved it. I've gained weight, my face is puffy, my hair is a mess, my skin is uneven.  I haven't faithfully worked out since my daughter's cancer diagnosis.  I worry. I cry.  I try to continue normal everyday things - I try to be interested in what's going on around me.  It's just not the same.  I don't feel good. I don't feel like me. And, no, I am not taking care of myself.  Even the clothes I have on in that picture are a mess!

So beginning today - not the first of the month - not the first of the week - just this day in the early morning hours, I am recommiting to taking time for me - 30-60 mins of exercise 4-5 days per week and keeping a daily food and exercise journal (myfitnesspal).  I'm going to get my hair styled and I'm throwing out all my clothes that don't fit - a total mess - just aren't "me".

I need to turn this around.  If I'm not at my best, I can't help my daughter. 

When Illness Strikes...

I'm having trouble absorbing it. It seems unreal. My daughter - my child - my baby has metastasized melanoma.  While 44 may not be a young child, she's still my child, my baby.  My daughter, her family, in fact, our entire family has been blind-sided.

In late February, my daughter was brought to the hospital thinking she had the flu or stomach virus and was dehydrated from her illness. Within 2 weeks, she was found to have an aggressive form of metastasized melanoma of which the source has not been found.  At the end of that 2 weeks, she had 2 major surgeries to remove a cancerous tumor on her spine that fractured some discs and repair her spine.  She's had radiation on the area and begun chemo treatments.  After 10 +/- weeks of hospitalization and rehab, she was finally able to go home to continue rehabilitation and chemo. Long weeks away from home.  Long weeks away from family.  Long weeks of pain, disbelief, heartache.  But she's home and that's the most important thing.

Since my Mom died 6 years ago, our family has been rocked by something major almost every year.  I just wish to go back to the time when things stayed the same.  Sounds ridiculous, I know, but there was a time when things stayed pretty constant.  Sure there were some losses..... moving away, divorces, deaths.  There were also additions.... marriages, new babies.  But the last 6 years have been different. We've lost many close friends and relatives, many fighting serious illness, many surviving those illnesses and many not. But it just seems that recently major change is the norm.  It's hard to deal with all the time and now this!

 My daughter has quite a fight ahead of her and I'm hoping - no praying! - that she's got the will and the stamina to get through it.  She's had a really tough time so far. She's having a difficult time going from being just her to now being sick all the time.  Having to deal with the fact that the illness now has taken over - is dictating her every move - has taken center stage in her thoughts, dreams, actions.  I'm heartbroken.  We're heartbroken.  But trying to stay positive. Trying to project a positive, stable front.  Trying to not cry all the time.  Trying to accept this new norm.

Early Morning Rise

It's easily a month since I got up early!  Since the weather change, I've not been waking up until 8am and truthfully, I hate that.  I've never been a late sleeper and yes, 8 a.n. is late to me.  I've been like this always.  I feel like I'm missing something if I'm not up just when the sun comes up.  It also makes me feel like the day goes by too quickly.  Getting up early was never a big deal when I was working but now that I'm "retired" it's so much more difficult.  I've got things on my mind today.  My baby (hardly a baby since she's in her 40s) is having some medical testing today and, I'm worried.  More scared than worried and I'm praying hard for the best possible outcome because I know there's a problem and I don't like the direction my mind is taking.  Anyway.....

Speaking of retiring.  Do you know it has taken me 3-4 years to finally sleep past 5 a.m.  I also am finally feeling less and less like I'm doing nothing.  You know, everyone told me I'd be bored.  I'm not.  In fact, I'm far from bored.  I've got so much to do it's not funny!  And yes, my house is clean - very very clean!  I'm not spending entire days cleaning either.  And with my husband also retired, I've got help inside cleaning and he's got help outside cleaning.  And I am working out on a regular basis so physically and mentally, I am feeling better than when I was working.  I'm also able to actually can and preserve the fruits and veggies we're getting from the garden and small orchard.  Mind you, I have been canning and preserving since June so I am pretty sick of it now :D

I've also got my small - very small - online doll clothes business which keeps me really busy.  I'm still learning the ropes - pricing, descriptions, posting, marketing, shipping, blogging, tweeting, Facebook!  On top of all that I'm trying to figure out what sells best and what will make me stand out from the crowd.  And I'm doing a craft show the Sunday after Thanksgiving and need to ramp up my inventory.  So I'm really busy.  It's been very slow and the competition is incredible.  It's never going to be something that makes me alot of money but it is fun and it is creative..... and it makes me feel useful.  Yes, I said useful.

Seems, recently, that I've felt or realized that I'm well pass middle age.  I don't think that we give much thought to those things when we're younger.  We're so busy with working and raising families.  We almost feel like life goes on forever.  When life slows down and we retire from the daily grind, we realize that it's not forever - that we're approaching the end.  When I retired I didn't expect to feel useless -like I have no purpose anymore.  But I did feel that way and is probably one of the reasons for starting my online business.  It's made me realize how other older people must feel.  I worry that I will someday be too old for doing the things I love to do and that I'll be like my grandmother was - sitting alone in her living room- watching television - counting the days to the end.  My grandmother is a story for another day.

I remember when and how it felt to feel like I had my whole life ahead of me and I remember wishing I was older so I could do this, that or the other.  I remember being in my 30s wishing I could retire to do all the things I really liked to do or wanted to do.  Now I wish I could go backwards.

Sorry for the negative turn but I never said this blog would be all happiness and joy.  'Til the next time...

Goodbye August! Hello September!

I wish this summer would end!  I am not a hot, hazy, humid kinda person and my hair!  My hair hates it even more.  I was trying to grow it out again but my patience in growing it out has grown thin.  Why? Because it is so thick! And so curly! And the worst thing possible for thick, curly hair?  H.U.M.I.D.I.T.Y! So, I believe I'll be cutting it real soon :D

The only way to deal with the triple H, is in the house with ice water and lemon sitting in front of a fan or 2.  Not one to be idle, I have to be doing something so I sew or knit or crochet.  While I'm sewing and knitting and crocheting, I tend to mull over things - the past, the present, the people in my life, the people I don't want in my life.

My latest mullings have been about someone from the past.  The one thing I wish I could change is marrying my first husband! I was so stupid at 17 and didn't realize I was marrying the devil incarnate. Although it took 5 years for the divorce to be final, we didn't spend more than a year actually together.

He was the epitome of evil. I have never met another human being that was even remotely like him. If you looked up narcissist in the dictionary, you'd probably find his picture.  Why? Let's see, without going into details, he only had feelings for himself - no others.  He saw others in terms of what they could do for him - what would he need to do or say to manipulate them into doing what would make him happy for the moment.  He had no qualms about professing undying love - including for or to his child - that he didn't feel. Looking back the 17 year old me and things that happened during the time I was with this person, I realize things that the naive 17 year old didn't realize was happening. There was only one good thing that came of our very short relationship - my daughter.  Thankfully, I was able to keep him completely and totally away from her. I won't go into detail but there were good reasons for my actions and she has thrived because of them.  She's never had any desire to be in contact with him.  She has had a close relationship with one of her cousins because they share the same extreme dislike of this horrible man. Why has his existence come to the forefront now?  Because of some things that he has done since his brother's death earlier this year. I'm sure memories of him will drop out of my mind and hopefully, this short spewing will accomplish that so I can forget about him again.

So while I've been hiding from the heat (which seriously feels like hell!), mulling over the past, I've been doing some crocheting.  Crocheting is not my favorite thing to do but my granddaughters saw a Brazillian Bikini top pattern that they liked. You can get the pattern here! Now mind you, I've never followed a crochet pattern.  I tend to think that there's very little I can't do so I bought the pattern on line.  Do you know that although I've been crocheting since I was 5 or 6, I didn't know until this pattern that I use UK stitches and of course, this pattern is in US stitches. Didn't even know there was a difference.  So after trial and error, I made 2 tops using Lydia's Fashion 3 yarn and a 2.5mm hook.  They came out awesome!  So, of course, they girls each want 2 more in other colors!  I've started one in black and will be doing 3 more in natural white, cocoa and rose.  Yup, Christmas presents started!  Woot for me!
Check it out

I'll post pix after they're all done.  For now.... stay cool :D