Goodbye 2017....

I haven't been here in a long time - months - maybe a year.  I really need to be back now, to express my grief.  The great loss of my child, my baby. And while 44 is not a child or a baby, she was my youngest - my most precious Angel.

It started in March.  Angel got sick.  Sick in a way to appear to be flu-like.  But it wasnt....Cancer, they said.  Melanoma - Metastasized Melanoma - Stage 4.  I heard them say it but I just couldn't accept what I heard. I remember thinking that they had to be wrong.  She had no moles or skin discolorations that changed. It just seemed impossible!

My daughter went through 8 months of surgery, therapies, infusions, intravenous fluids, radiation, transfusions, etc. She kept wondering why..... why was this happening to her..... what had she done to cause this on herself and family.  Then family members actually said that it was because she was out in the sun without sunscreen or got sunburned, etc. In truth, it's no one's fault. It's not some sort of punishment. It's not karma.  It's as my mom said, "sometimes things just happen." And she's right.

So on this New Year's Eve, I say "goodbye 2017" with some reservation.  For the most part, it was an awful year.  There were a couple of bright spots - my granddaughter's baby shower in February which was the last happy party where Angel was happy and healthy (as far as we all knew) - the birth of my first great granddaughter, Angel's great niece, and for whom Angel wanted to make a mermaid crib set and babysit for on a regular basis.  See, literally only a couple of bright spots.

For the past 46 years, every New Year's Eve was connected to my children in some way.  If I wasn't with them, I spoke to them at midnight.  As they got older with families of their own, they'd be doing their own family things, but I'd hear from them at midnight.  They didn't always call me - sometimes it wasn't until the next day.  But Angel never forgot. And while I'd like to be relieved that this year is over, I feel like as I move on to 2018, I'm leaving my Angel behind.  I know, I know.  I carry her in my heart but it feels like I'm leaving her behind.  This year they'll be no call from her.  And never again will I hear, "Happy New Year, Mommy!  I love you madly!"

It wasn't until after my niece took a picture of me and posted it on social media last night that I realized just how the past 6 months have affected me..... I look awful!  Truthfully, I feel awful!  I feel depressed and stressed out.  I keep trying to put on the traditional "I'm OK" face but I'm not and that picture proved it. I've gained weight, my face is puffy, my hair is a mess, my skin is uneven.  I haven't faithfully worked out since my daughter's cancer diagnosis.  I worry. I cry.  I try to continue normal everyday things - I try to be interested in what's going on around me.  It's just not the same.  I don't feel good. I don't feel like me. And, no, I am not taking care of myself.  Even the clothes I have on in that picture are a mess!

So beginning today - not the first of the month - not the first of the week - just this day in the early morning hours, I am recommiting to taking time for me - 30-60 mins of exercise 4-5 days per week and keeping a daily food and exercise journal (myfitnesspal).  I'm going to get my hair styled and I'm throwing out all my clothes that don't fit - a total mess - just aren't "me".

I need to turn this around.  If I'm not at my best, I can't help my daughter. 

When Illness Strikes...

I'm having trouble absorbing it. It seems unreal. My daughter - my child - my baby has metastasized melanoma.  While 44 may not be a young child, she's still my child, my baby.  My daughter, her family, in fact, our entire family has been blind-sided.

In late February, my daughter was brought to the hospital thinking she had the flu or stomach virus and was dehydrated from her illness. Within 2 weeks, she was found to have an aggressive form of metastasized melanoma of which the source has not been found.  At the end of that 2 weeks, she had 2 major surgeries to remove a cancerous tumor on her spine that fractured some discs and repair her spine.  She's had radiation on the area and begun chemo treatments.  After 10 +/- weeks of hospitalization and rehab, she was finally able to go home to continue rehabilitation and chemo. Long weeks away from home.  Long weeks away from family.  Long weeks of pain, disbelief, heartache.  But she's home and that's the most important thing.

Since my Mom died 6 years ago, our family has been rocked by something major almost every year.  I just wish to go back to the time when things stayed the same.  Sounds ridiculous, I know, but there was a time when things stayed pretty constant.  Sure there were some losses..... moving away, divorces, deaths.  There were also additions.... marriages, new babies.  But the last 6 years have been different. We've lost many close friends and relatives, many fighting serious illness, many surviving those illnesses and many not. But it just seems that recently major change is the norm.  It's hard to deal with all the time and now this!

 My daughter has quite a fight ahead of her and I'm hoping - no praying! - that she's got the will and the stamina to get through it.  She's had a really tough time so far. She's having a difficult time going from being just her to now being sick all the time.  Having to deal with the fact that the illness now has taken over - is dictating her every move - has taken center stage in her thoughts, dreams, actions.  I'm heartbroken.  We're heartbroken.  But trying to stay positive. Trying to project a positive, stable front.  Trying to not cry all the time.  Trying to accept this new norm.